


7. Isolation

by GayKinnie



Series: Whumptober 2019 [7]
Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depressive Episode, Hurt, Panic Attacks, Soda is scared and faints, This is pretty much a vent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-11-28 10:47:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20965283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayKinnie/pseuds/GayKinnie
Summary: Souda is expresso depresso and has a panic attack. Trigger warning: minor self harm, description of panic attack and depressive episode





	1. Chapter 1

Darkness. It was all that surrounded Souda. You'd think he'd be used to it, having lived his life in darkness. But the darkness he used comforted and protected, the kind the blanketed him. This darkness was sharp and cold. It was the kind that hovered off his dad, always lingering with the smell of beer. It was the kind that followed each drop of blood, each broken glass. Now it surrounded him. Engulfed his very thoughts like a never ending black hole. 

Maybe this was deserved. The putrid smell of rot and sadness brought the glazed-over eyes of the mechanic upon his room. It was a wreck, to say the least. Clothes were strewn about and some poor animal was rotting away in the corner. The only light came from the closed blinds. He was having another episode. He hadn't gone to classes for the week and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to leave this room. If he left Ms. Yukizome would know he wasn't sick and he knew what that anger, that disappointment, felt like. He would become all too familiar with the pain again, wouldn't he? Not only that, but everyone would see. Everyone would know how much of a fraud he was. They would all hate him! No no no no no, they can't know! He couldn't lose the only friends he ever had… 

He bit into his skin, needing some release from the pounding thoughts in his head.  _ 'Pain, focus on the pain, _ ' he thought, digging his teeth deeper. He was dizzy, so so dizzy. Blood had started to drip but it was working. The blood was drowning out each thought. Tired, he should sleep. He removed his teeth from the wound. Blood was drying on his face, but it was barely noticeable among the grease and sweat. His eyes dragged and Souda just stared at the ceiling until he could sleep.

\--

When Souda woke, it was already night. The room was darker this time and reeked of blood. The sheets crunched with every movement he made. The wound was still bleeding and a half-formed scab was hanging off. The cold air stung it badly, making Souda wince. He stretched out, his body weighed down with dread. He just stared at a note that mus-

Wait, a note? Souda finally felt something in the dark void, curiousty. He rushed off the bed, nearly tipping over. When was the last time he drank water? His throat was too dry to properly gasp as he read the note. 

Tamer of Automations,

I request your presence at my room tonight. I wish to talk to you, but you were absent throughout classes. I suggest talking to Ms.Yukizome about why you have been missing. 

I shall be waiting for you. Come at the devil's hour

Overlord of Ice

Why would Gundham want to see him? He bit his lip, going over each mocking remark he made to the breeder. Was he mad and wanted revenge? Or was he going to mock him with everyone else? No he couldn’t. Gundham wasn’t ballsy enough...right? Anxiety wormed through his throat, cutting off air. His thoughts whirled around as if caught in a typhoon. He collapsed, feeling tears running down his cheeks. This was the end. He would die, surrounded in filth and alone. This was how it was meant to be.

He let out broken sobs through tight lungs. Why did he think he would ever belong here? He was a fraud through and through. Everything about him was fake. He didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve these friends or this happiness. Why had he run away when he deserved what his father did? Was he really that selfish?

He wanted to breath, to think rationally for once but everything was foggy. He needed help. Hurriedly he unlocked his door and rushed out. He stumbled through the dark hallways, not sure where he was going. He reached a door and knocked loudly. ‘Please be up, please be up,’ he thought frantically, trying to collect himself. This had to be Mikan’s room. 

Finally, the door opened and a person caught Souda as he nearly fainted. He looked up to them to find… Gundham?! He really had the worst of luck. His vision was blurry with tears and his lungs ached for air. Gundham was saying something. The sound was oddly muffled and, why was the room spinning? His lungs were beginning to cramp and Souda wasn’t sure he was breathing anymore. 

Then it all went black

\--

Souda had an odd dream. He rarely had dreams but those were more nightmare. This dream, however, was warm and comforting. Instead of the harsh glares and painful blows, there was a gentle hand and kind eyes. He never felt this.. peace, he supposed, before. 

He woke up in pain, however. The bite mark on his arm was bandaged neatly even though it still stung. He didn’t question it and wrapped his arms around the warm pillow. It was awfully hard and warm for a pillow. It was almost like a human being.

“Are you up Tamer of Automations,” the pillow mumbled. Wait, pillows don’t talk! Souda looked up to meet Gundham’s eyes. The breeder was heavily flushed and hid in his scarf. Souda just stared blankly, he didn’t have much energy to be embarrassed. He laid his head on Gundham’s chest and croaked out,

“Sorry I’ll get out of ya way soon, Hamster-chan.”

The sentence was weak and Souda cringed. He was acting too weak. He tried to get up but he was pulled back each time. Gundham forced Souda to look at him. He bore a concerned expression. Why would he? Wasn’t Souda alone? Don’t they hate him?

“Souda, are you okay?”

A nod. He couldn’t speak.

“Your claim is doubtful. You showed up amidst a panic attack, there was blood on you body, and a bite wound. Were you attacked by a devilish beast?” He looked expectanty at Souda. Souda opened his mouth but no words could come out. Why couldn’t he speak now? His throat felt like the skin was doused in hot sauce. He forced out a small ‘no’ while his throat screamed. Gundham cocked his head curiously, did he want more?

“I...wasn’t...attacked Hamster-chan. Just...being an...idiot again.”

“If it plagues you that deeply, than surely it isn’t idiotic nor are you idiotic,”Gundham said. 

He reached out to Souda and awkwardly patted the mechanic’s head. Souda smiled softly at the gesture, despite himself. He wanted to open up about this, to get the suffocating weight of his chest. But each time he tried, his anxiety gave him plenty more to think about.

“Gundham, can...I...have some..water? Please..” Gundham nodded and got up to get some from the sink. Souda gingerly got off the bed, wanting to help. His legs didn’t agree and he almost collapsed for what felt like the fifth time that day. Gundham appeared, water in hand, and gave the struggling mechanic a look.

“Sharp-Toothed One why are you stumbling like a fawn?” 

Souda gave him a glare. Gundham laughed and picked Souda up with one arm. He put the pouting mechanic back on the bed and handed him the water. Souda would swear the most orgasmic feeling was the cool water running through his dry throat. It lubricated his throat and it felt like he could finally speak. 

“Gundham, I’m sorry for bothering ya this late,” Souda croaked. He sighed internally, but at least it didn’t feel like breathing fire.

“No need to apologize, I requested to see you anyhow.”

“Why did ya want to see me anyway?”

Gundham looked away and hid his face with his scarf. Was he blushing over that simple of question? 

“Well, Pink-Haired One you were missing throughout the week and I wanted to see if you were healthy enough to come over. The whole class was getting rather anxious. I thought you might just be working…” he trailed off as Souda gaped. They were worried about him? Souda smiled to himself, maybe he wasn’t as hated as he thought.

“Well, I’m doin’ better so I’ll be back soon,” he lied. The weight was still heavy on his chest. He wished to tell the breeder everything, maybe get help.

But instead, he left, like the coward he was, heart aching with each step.


	2. I Crave Validation so Here This Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ummm shout out to Fandoms cause they wanted this! I hope ya like it!

His heart pounded as she approached him. He opened his mouth to babble some excuse.

“Save it Souda. How dare you skip class? And for a week! How could you be so irresponsible?! You have got to keep up your grades! How else would you keep up,” Ms. Yukizome yelled. She had started her lecture, each word cutting deeper than the last. Irresponsible. Rude. Dismissive. Dumb. He tried to contain his tears but he couldn’t stop the shaking. The class was dead silent so everyone could see. Everyone would know. Why? Why couldn’t he just be worth it for once? His tears were accumulating , ready to expose him in troops. He couldn’t stop them, but they can’t know. No one can know. So he did the one thing he was good at.

He ran.

Ms. Yukizome yelled after him as he sprinted down the hall. Tears had begun slipped down his face. He reached a bathroom, an escape. Ms. Yukizome almost caught him by the scruff as he slipped in. He heaved a sob as she stomped away. ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid!’ he thought, a hit punctionating each painful word. He stopped momentarily, feeling too much and nothing at all simultaneously. A knock reeled him into, right into an ocean of paranoia.  _ ‘Oh god they're here-’ ‘They all hate you-’ ‘Dumbass why are you so weak-’ ‘You don’t deserve them.’  _ He tried to get them to stop. He rocked, feeling his chest tighten again. Tears were coming in troops, making the world around him warp. He prayed for help even though he knew he was alone. The despair worked him way into his brain, corrupting his thoughts with fear.

_ Knock, knock _ .

This one reverberated against the door. Where they knocking again? Why bother with someone like him? He wiped away his tears as they began knocking again. It was probably Ms. Yukizome.

“Souda, get your ass out here before I drag you!” Fuyuhiko’s voice startled Souda. If a boy was here, they can come in with no problem! He scrambled up and tried to put on the mask he had grown so comfortable in. Care-free and relaxed. Care-free and relaxed. Care-free and relaxed.

He opened the door, mouth twisting painfully. His fears manipulated his pain and distorted it into a crafted veil. Fuyuhiko glared at the mechanic. 

“‘Bout time dipshit. You better get back to class before Yukizome kills you. Seriously, why did you even run off.”

“Eh? Just got bored and wanted to get out.”

He gave him a cocky smile even though the yakuza gave a disbelieving look. It passed quickly as they strolled to class. It was nice and normal even though Fuyuhiko’ eyebrows furrow every so often. He sighed internally, he was really acting like Mikan right now. It’s probably a yakuza thing. 

The classroom was oddly silent when Soud arrived, the usually lively ultimates still. They gave half-discreet gawks as he walked back to his seat. His brain was overloaded with the attention, telling him how they were judging his outburst. He cursed himself, his weakness. But then one dreadful thought popped up, what if Gundham told? It all was clicking into place. That’s why….

He said he wouldn’t.

\--

“Souda, may I speak with you,” Ms. Yukizome said, grasping his arm tightly. Souda winced at the contact, the hand pressing on the still-sore wound. She seemed to take note of this, her grip loosening greatly.

“Ah, so you do understand that I’m here for you Souda,” she began awkwardly, “I hope this morning didn’t cause you any grief. But we are here for you, all of us.” He did tell. Why would he?

“I know! I just needed a breather Miss.”

A feeling of betrayal that destroyed him was all hidden by this stupid mask. Why can’t anyone see his pain? Why must they lie? Why?  _ Whywhywhy  _ WHY! He stalked out of the room with purpose. He was going to kill that son of a bitch. This should have never happened. No one can know how pathetic he is. His fist curled. _ Hide the shaking, hide the shaking, hide it you pathetic dumbass!  _ He stormed towards the breeder, interrupting his conversation with Sonia. He was half-tempted to knock his teeth out but restraint. ‘If you can fake your entire life, you can fake some civility,’ he thought as he fought a losing battle against his rage. 

“Gundham, ya fucking bitch. Can’t even keep a damn secret,” he gritted out. He felt his entire body began to shake as Gundham stared in disbelief. Souda felt his anger burst like a volcano at the other’s calmness.

“WHY WOULD YOU TELL?! WHY? What did I do to you?! You...this could… Why,” he said, voice nearly breaking. Gundham still stared. ‘How dare you be so calm? You’ve ruined me,’ he thought desperately. They stayed staring until  _ whack.  _ The sudden impact sent him to the ground. Sonia glared at him, hand still curled into a fist. 

“Souda, quit being such a jerk! Gundham has done nothing to you! And yet, you have been harrasing him all year! And all because you don’t understand that I do not like you. Nor do I like Gundham! So quit acting like an entitled brat all the time,” she yelled. Souda felt his heart shatter. Why was he like this? Had he annoyed her that much. His cheek still stung like some cruel reminder. 

“I- I- I didn’t, I see. I won’t bother ya.. I won’t bother anyone anymore.”

And with that, he left ignoring the sinking feeling deep in his bones.

\--

“Hey man want to hang out later,” Hajime said, ignoring the complaining Fuyuhiko behind him. Souda gave him a blank look, the same one he had given every since that event. Fuyuhiko peeped up behind with a already-pissed off look. Souda bit his lip, guilt surging through him. This is for the better, they are better off this way, he thought, some dark urge filling. Isolation, loneliness, pain. He deserved this, he deserved every bit of this pain. He was a creep, a prick, an idiot. 

“Souda, this is not a mere request. If I must go so do you. Even though it will be boring.” Izuru Kamakura gazed at the mechanic, no feeling in the eyes. One in the same. Both were numb, for varying reasons. One in the same and different. Souda stared back. What was his bliss like, feeling nothing at all? Was it as terrible as he described? Izuru broke the contact first with his signature sigh. 

“Well, that’s settled then! We’re going to the arcade. Oh-and Chiaki and Nagito are joining us!” Hajime awkwardly smiled, did he not want Souda to go. It was peer pressure, at best. Right? That was what all of this life is. Because… Why was it like this?

\--

They scheduled for five, which means he has 30 minutes to mentally prepare. Large crowds, embarrassment everywhere. It was going to be torture. Why even invite such a parasite? They probably hated him. Wouldn’t it be a waste. Tears streamed down his face, a familiar fate of his afternoons. He craved the close interactions he saw with everyone else. He wanted to go and have fun, but how could he when he was such a pest. He saw it now more than ever, how smiles turned to grimaces, bright eyes glaring. They all hated him, it was just a fake. They all lied and he was fooled, again. He swore never to be that naive but he couldn’t even achieve that.

A knock resounded through the room. _ ‘It’s probably the twins coming to drag me away,’  _ Souda thought, mindless drying his face. He forced a calm smile and opened the door

“Hey Hajim-”

“Tamer of Automations, we must talk,” Gundham cut him off and shoved into the room. The door locked behind him. Souda was trapped. Gundham was circling him like a hawk and Souda couldn’t breath. What was Gundham going to do? He had done everything right this week, how had he upset him? Souda tried to stand tall and proud but he only came up to the breeder’s neck at best.

“Hello, are you paying attention? I asked if you were ok,” Gundham questioned, putting a hand on the mechanics shoulder. Souda squirmed, feeling the breeder’s intense gaze searching for signs. Souda felt his chest tighten. Why now? Look down, look down and it will pass. He’ll leave and give up. Souda stared at his shoes and prayed. Only for Gundham to ask again. And this time he tilted Souda’s head up, making direct eye contact. 

Then he broke.

Tears began falling and that now-familiar breathlessness plagues his lungs.He babbled and rambled. How pathetic he was, how he was worthless, annoying, stupid.

“-And I know- I’m so sorry. Ya must hate me. I’m pathetic and w-worthless. Why am I so stupif?! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” His skin ached from the harsh fists. He deserved this punishment, right? “I deserve none of this! I’d be better off dead and so would everyone else! Everyone would hate me if they knew! My dad was right I should have never come here! I’m not enough anymore! I’ll never be enough. Never enough!”

He fell to his knees. His head throbbed and his chest was exploding. He was tired, so, so tired, but his body moved without him. His wrist felt broken with each hit. Gundham was silent, kneeling down slowly. He moved so calmly and slowly that Souda’s shoulders loosened slightly. 

“Kazuichi, I need you to breathe. You are going to pass out if you continue,” Gundham murmured, slowly grabbing Souda’s arms. 

“No..no! I can’t I can’t breathe Gundham. What if I stop breathing? It hurts… I don’t want to die like this!”

“Souda, breathe with me. I assure you that you will not die, you just need to breathe.” Gundham took a deep breath and Souda, having actually listened, followed suit. 1,2,3,4,5,6 exhale. Inhale, 1,2,3,4,5,6 exhale. Slowly, he calmed down and Gundham had shifted him into his arms. Tears had begun to dry and he felt a thousand times better. He clutched the breeder as he loosened his grip. “Please don’t go, I don’t wanna be alone.”

“I am not going to leave, Pink-Haired One. Not until your ready,” Gundham said, his voice sweet and caring. Souda flushed, he didn’t think he had said it out loud. He wasn’t that needy.

“Ah I’m sorry Hamster-chan! That was just a joke, ya can go now! I’m a-ok!” Gundham raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to reply. Souda’s prayers were finally answered when Hajime and Fuyuhiko barged in, cutting the breeder off.

“Souda- Wait why the fuck is that breeder guy here? I swear”

“Wait, have you been crying? Gundham what the hell did you do? What happened?” Hajime always did notice stupid stuff like that. Fuyuhiko and Hajime started a tirade of questions and glares. The breeder’s mouth hung open, too stunned to say anything. Even his hamsters had popped out of his clothing to see what was going on.

“Guys I-”

“Dude, did he make you cry?”

“Yeah cause if he did-”

Souda groaned and looked at Gundham apologetically. He finally snapped out of it and shrugged. They tried to get a word in but each time some question would cut them off. They were too focused to notice Maga-Z crawling onto Souda. He slowly pushed the jumpsuit sleeves up, revealing the bruises, cuts, and other various injuries.

Fuyuhiko was the first to notice with a, “ What happened to you arm?”. Everything stopped, the shouting, arguing. They stared in horror as Souda frantically pulled them down. Tears welled up again. The insecurities flared and the thoughts resurfaced.  _ They hate you. You’re pathetic and weak.  _

“Hey we didn’t mean to… Souda did you do this,” Hajime said, kneeling. He slowly pulled the sleeve back up. Sobs were itching to burst as they said nothing. Hajime’s hands brushed a little to harshly against the fresher wounds and the tears ran down like rain. Souda tried to push them away with mumbles of I’m sorry.

“I’m sorry, I just-” Too close, too little air, “-I...Don’t hate me. I know that I’m-”

“Souda, breathe. It’s okay, everything is going to be okay. You’re fine,” Gundham comforted. Arms wrapped around his body, stopping his oncoming fists. He tried to stop, to act happy or normal. His tears wouldn’t stop and by now he was gasping, yet again, for what little air could enter. Fuyuhiko had sat down near him and grasped the mechanic’s shoulders. 

“Souda, there’s no reason to be sorry. Just… come to us next time-”

“Why? Ya would hate me! Ya don’t even know me!! I’m a fraud and..and,” he sobbed.

“Yeah we must not know  _ anything  _ about you. Oh wait we do because we’re your goddamn friends,” Fuyuhiko scoffed. 

  
  


“Yes, Sharp-Toothed One. We aren’t even that close and I know a fair bit.” 

“Yeah, like how you’re scared of your own shadow-”

“Or that you love rom-coms so goddamn much even though you deny it-”

“You have manga hidden under your bed-”

“I know you need glasses but you don’t fucking wear them-”

“You wear less eyeliner on happy days-”

“Yeah, and, hell, I know that you sneak out on Tuesday nights to watch some show with Mondo-”

“Even I know that you always try to joke and bring up others mood, Tamer of Automations.”

Souda’s tears had long since stopped and his heart was bursting. He sputtered out feeble excuses but each one was shut down. But Gundham’s stuck with him. Had he actually paid attention?

“I’m sorry guys, guess ya do kinda know me huh? But..um, can I talk with Gundham by myself for a hot sec.” Hajime was going to tease him to hell’s end but he agreed. Fuyuhiko grumbled a little bit but followed suit.

“Why did you wish to speak with me? I apologize if anything I’ve said has upset, Hell-Fire,” Gundham said, concern edging his voice.

“No no no no! That’s isn’t what I mean I just,” he gulped. Here goes nothing, “I just wanted to say sorry for how I’ve acted this year.”

“Kazuichi I-”

“And I know that it doesn’t excuse my actions but, I can see why Miss Sonia would pick ya and I really hope that maybe ya can forgive me? Cause I’ve really just felt- ah shit. I mean...um.... You just seem like a really cool friend…” he trailed off. His fingers were instinctivally moving his sleeve.

“I would rather like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof time for self-projection and what I hope can happen one day
> 
> Also I suck at endings lol

**Author's Note:**

> It's late so sorry!


End file.
